The Psycho Mom Shower Scene

I close the bathroom door with a definitive click. I prop my iPad up on the tiled counter and press play for the newest Mumford & Sons album. Turning the hot water handle 3/4 of the way around and then the cold handle 1/16, I let steam curl around the edges of the shower curtain and form rolling clouds above the shower head. Once I’ve created a steam room similar to those I used to visit on spa days B.C. (“Before Children”), I step into the scalding onslaught of water.

I begin smoothing shampoo throughout my hair, my fingers tripping through the clumps of hair glued together by a special mix of baby spit, breastmilk, and boogers. I close my eyes to the water and bubbles that are running down my face when I think I hear a something in the background of the loud music. A squeak? A rattle? Never mind, the thoughts of aromatic salt scrub and pampering cloud my brain as the steam clouds my vision.

QUACK!! QUACK!! QUACK!! QUACK!! QUACK!!

The metal balls of the curtain hooks clatter as the shower curtain is ripped open and I’m assaulted by a disco display of blue lights peppering my body.

QUACK!! QUACK!! QUACK!! QUACK!!

Close to losing bladder control and nearly acquiring an instant migraine I splutter fragments of a question, “Whaaa?? Gaaah?? Duuck??”

Through my watery vision I see the blurred shape of a small person, hand outstretched, squeezing a tiny duck with a loud voice and a beaming blue light that flashed with each squeeze.

“Liam? What are you doing? That duck is awfully loud.” My 2 year old son giggles as he squeezes the blue light so that it travels from my chin to my toes.

“Oookay, Mommy’s chilly. Let’s just clooose this curtain so the chilly air can’t come in here.” I pull the curtain to it’s originally PRIVATE placement.

The quacking stops, but it’s a little too quiet.

“Liam?”

“YES??” He bellows. (The child has a natural ability in using his diaphragm.)

“What are you doing now?”

“HI-PAD!!” He responds gleefully. Aah, yes, that’s why my music had stopped.

The bathroom door slams as I’m left to rush through my cleansing before the next barrage.

Anyone else ever feel like this?

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