The Comeback Kid & Waxing

Warning…I’m going THERE. If hair removal makes you want to vomit, please do not read any further. I don’t want to be the causeau of your nauseau.

I’m officially on maternity leave beginning today! {Deeeep breath in….aaand ooouut.} I have two last, smallish assignments to finish for my grad class and then I will allow myself to have this baby. I mean, that’s the way it works, isn’t it?

In the spirit of maternity leave, and taking a few moments to collect myself before my life changes in unmeasurable ways once again, I have decided the blog has been neglected long enough. I hereby reinstate said blog by giving you a pregnancy comparison.

While pregnant with Liam I went in for a pre-birth waxing appointment at a local spa-type joint. I don’t mind telling you that with Liam I had gained around 50 lbs. This pregnancy I’m at around 30 as of last week’s weight check. So, I had waddled into my appointment ready to let someone else take care of the problem that had easily been ignored due to the old saying, “what you can’t see can’t hurt you.” However, as I was about to bare all to the entourage at Liam’s birth I decided to give my vanity a little attention. I was probably somewhere around 39-40 weeks, and unfortunately, as Liam ended up being born at 42 weeks I can’t say that things remained as kempt. But then again, I’m not sure.

Lo and behold, when I get to my appointment, I know the girl who’s waxing me. I almost cancelled on the spot. Your waxing gal should have no other relationship in your life except to painfully rip the unwanted hair from places on your body that generally see no sunshine. You love your waxist (yes, I made up that term of endearment), but you see her only in the confines of the small spa room because usually when your leg is in that position and someone is paying such thorough attention to you it is pitch dark. Not only will this acquaintance be the one performing this completely humiliating act, but I am a ginormous, beached whale on the table. Oh my god, I die.

I had chosen an LA wax. For those of you unfamiliar, or needing a refresher, there are generally 3 types of “bikini” waxes. The Brazilian leaves you bare, the LA leaves a landing strip, and a regular bikini wax is your basic hair removal to inward of where your bikini would be. The LA would be a typical choice for me.

My acquaintance/waxist was actually very sweet and professional. But I learned a valuable lesson that day. After the fact. Hormones, particularly those that are pumping through your body when your are pregnant or premenstrual, create a horrifically sensitive latter day area. It is recommended that if you can avoid waxing during such times, you should. I learned this valuable lesson during my experience. And, yes, I did in fact return this pregnancy. Damn you, Vanity. It was so painful, and such a long experience, due to the amount of hair removal I had requested, that I had to practice my labor breathing and ended up drenching my shirt and the towel under me from sweat.

Today, I decided to book a regular bikini wax. I wasn’t naive enough to think that it wouldn’t be painful, I was just hoping that the amount of time it took would be fractional. Who, I ask you, is waiting for me at the front desk? That’s right, my acquaintance/waxist. Of all the times I had been back in for eyebrow waxing and a couple of other bikini waxes, I hadn’t had the embarassing pleasure of my acquaintance’s company again. Until I show up at 39 weeks pregnant, that is. And I’m sure the pleasure is all hers.

Once again, she is absolutely sweet and professional, and even though it is terribly painful, I was so right in booking the regular bikini wax. Much less labor-intensive and truly less painful places getting gripped by hot wax and paper.

If I can possibly help you leave this blog post with something other than a new perspective of me, it is the following two pieces of advice: 1)Keep your friends close and your waxist closer. 2)Check your vanity and go with the pregnant “regular” bikini wax. I promise you, with everything that’s going on in birth no one is going to remember how your nethers were coiffed. I know this because I asked my mom.


2 thoughts on “The Comeback Kid & Waxing

  1. Oh my goodness, I saw on twitter you were going and I was going to warn you but then I thought, she’s going anyway, why burst the bubble. It seems you already knew. Sorry 😦 good luck for “the show” as I like to call it.

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