It All Comes Together

Today was good.  Somehow it felt different.  Incidentally Liam turned 7 weeks old today.  So perhaps he is changing (it seems like it!) or maybe my hormones are calming down, but somehow it all seems to be coming together.  I looked down at that baby today and thought, I’m glad I’m where I am and with my baby.

Had I not been doing that every second of every day like every good mom?  Believe me, every time I looked at Liam for the past 7 weeks I could explode with love.  My brain has been scrambled with trying to figure out how I am actually this little person’s mommy and is he really mine??

But then I’d think, wow I wish I had hands to make myself lunch.  Man, I have so much laundry to do and can’t get on top of it.  Eww, my floors are filthy and here I am at home all day feeling like a failure for not “accomplishing” more.

And then the ultimate: I’m stuck at home with no adults to talk to or hang out with.  I can’t go to see anyone because it is too stressful to deal with putting Liam in the car.  I can’t leave the baby and go out with my friends because I physically, mentally and emotionally do not have the ability to leave my child right now.

The feeling of isolation has been overwhelming.  Every day.  That’s the truth, my friends.  It’s that transition that I’ve been told about by friends.  Figuring out your new life as a mommy.  No, you can’t run away for a fun weekend with The Girls right now.  Partially it’s too complicated (feeding, pumping, no cute clothes that fit yet, not being able to enjoy too many drinks per previously stated feeding/pumping.) and partially it’s too soon to leave that baby.  I realized at a mommy/baby group I go to with babies all the same age that this is the norm for moms right now.  No one wants to leave the baby.  It’s not a smothering thing, it’s a deep-rooted physiological thing.

So hating that I’m confined to my house but loving the baby has been an internal struggle.  Making that baby smile and coo with me is the highlight of every day.  I dance with him when he’s fussy and he’s started putting his arms around my neck (**swoon**).  Then feeling like no one would even want to talk to me because I’m unable to string together words into a verbal sentence (not to mention that I may or may not hav showered).

Anyway, today is when it all came together.  Maybe having Liam more alert and putting his arms around me has made me feel like the love and effort I’ve put in is being reciprocated.  Whatever it is, I know I’ll be okay.  And I’ll figure out the mom life.  And while it seems like it would be another lifetime, I guess there will be Girls’ Weekends in the future.  Cheers to that!

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