Am I Crazy if I’m Aware my Thoughts are Crazy??

The neurosis continues.  And I won’t even touch upon the registry anxiety yet.  Here’s my deal with child care.  I never thought I’d have a dilemma.  I’ve been primed my whole life to be a mom.  My intentions were always to teach, stay at home, then go back to teaching when my kids got to be school-aged.  I spent years taking care of other people’s children, why wouldn’t I care for my own??  In the extent of my mommy-visions I never thought I would find myself in a school where I love my classroom, the people I work with, an opportunity to team-teach with a great friend and amazing teacher, and my principal is the best that I’ve ever met.  Not to mention that the school district fits the criteria that I’ve wanted to teach in.
Now I don’t want to give up my teaching position.  But yet, I sit here at my kitchen table, sobbing, because my baby will not even be 4 months old when I go back to work!!  That is too little!
And I have such a horrible (and wrong, I know) judgment about daycares.  I’m sorry.  I said it.  I know that I spent years caring for children and I consider myself very good at what I did; and I would not work in a daycare because they could not pay me enough.  And often times their philosophies were not aligned with mine.  If I am not the type of person working at the daycare, then who is?  And don’t I want a “me” raising my child when the real me can not be there?  I know…it’s awful thinking and I’m sure someone can prove me wrong and make me eat my crazy words.  At least, I hope so.
Besides, it’s all about exposure.  I’m someone who wants their child exposed to certain ideas and not even see other things.  I feel less in control of that at certain daycares.  The places that share my philosophies are usually geared toward preschool age, not infants.
And now I’m really going to lay it out there.  How am I going to nurse my child if I don’t see them for 7 hours??  I know, I know…I can pump…but what if I don’t pump enough?  What if the daycare doesn’t respect my wishes and feeds my baby formula.  What if the baby gets so used to this alleged formula that it stops nursing at home?  I refuse to feed the child formula, so then do I just let the baby starve?  Ok, ok.  I’ll stop the rambling that really doesn’t make sense.  See, I’m telling you, I know it is crazy,but my brain won’t stop.  I went back and erased the derogatory comment about formula, by the way.  See, I’m censoring the crazy a little bit.  Regardless, BB will only be about 16 weeks, that’s not old enough for solids yet, the boob is important!
I did find one (ONE) child development center (doesn’t that sound so much better than DAYCARE) that has an infant program that starts at 6 weeks.  It is only 15 minutes from my job.  The only problem is that I haven’t been able to contact anyone due to vacations and such, and the tuition cost is not listed on the website.  Problem with being a teacher and putting your child in a “child development center” is that you work to pay for working.  I do not want to work to pay to work.  In which case I’d rather stay at home.  We will see how this pans out, maybe it will be reasonable.
Alright..now that I’ve let some of my crazy flap around like laundry in the wind, I’m going to make myself stop cry and go to the gym.  My big ass is getting out of control.  And since this particular blog was more to ease my own crazy mind, and not a letter directly to BB, I can use the word ass.

Crazy Mama B

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2 thoughts on “Am I Crazy if I’m Aware my Thoughts are Crazy??

  1. Pingback: My Apparently Unbiased View of My Baby | The Bebe Diaries

  2. Pingback: Liam’s ROOTS | The Bebe Diaries

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